I've been meaning to write...but I suppose good intentions don't justify inaction...
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want to be anything but honest. I really don't care about Ellie anymore. I don't know if I've just fallen to apathy or I'm just wanting to move on, but I'm just "done."
I know...this sounds terrible. I know...I'm probably the last one expected to throw in the towel. But I'm not gonna lie or pretend that this is a life-changing thing for me. It's not that I'm not glad other people are really learning from this (and I'm not saying I haven't learned anything from this) - but honestly I feel a huge weakness is my ability to find something in anything (find a lesson in anything) but have my heart remain disconnected.
Only a few more days, I know.
go for the jugular - to attack a vital and vulnerable trait, feature, element, etc., in an attempt to overcome somebody or something swiftly and totally
..and that's precisely what He did with me.
This is common in our relationship. I shouldn't have been surprised, I felt it coming.
And this is where it all began (well, I should say "manifested") 2 days ago. I sensed uneasiness in my Spirit and the first thing that popped into my head was Ed's blogs about "Do not be anxious, uneasy, etc...". And then I realized why I've been so subconsciously frustrated with not being able to identify with these blogs where my fellow plant carriers discuss their uneasiness/anxiousness...
It's not that I don't have to deal with common/outer circumstances, but rather I've discovered that there's a lot outside of my control that I've spent a lot of time trying to fix/change. This is a primary tactic of the enemy at work against me because he tries to get me to waste my energy and time with certain things I don't need to put my hands on or my words to.
So why was I so uneasy and anxious? It was because God was opening my eyes and exposing some hidden things in my heart that needed to be crucified. Deep things. Not surface things...but DEEP things. And this is where my plant came in handy. I noticed that you cannot look at the leaves/flowers,etc of a plant and determine what's "wrong" with it. You can hypothesize, sure...but these are just theories until you are able to look at what is below the ground and find out where it's roots are. So I realized that my life is very much so like this plant. I don't struggle so much with "surface" things (worry about circumstances and daily events/relationships), but rather I become uneasy with the DEEP things (the roots of who I am/not, who God is/isn't, etc). But unless I ask the Holy Spirit to come and show me what's beneath the surface, I can't fix anything or even give my consent for anything to be fixed.
It's like when your air conditioning unit (lets just say your heart) has a problem. So you hire an expert (Holy Spirit) to come and determine the problem. Don't you want to know what the problem is before you shell out x amount of dollars to get it fixed? (Don't you want to know what you're paying for?) You can't sign on the dotted line to let the expert fix it (which your "signing" is really not just saying "i agree to pay you" but also "i agree that you know more about this than I do and I trust you to fix it") until you have determined that there's a problem and you need someone's help.
Sooooo....Spirit graciously continue to allow me to see some serious flaws in my thinking processes, my perceptions of God, my unconscious judgments of others, my close-mindedness to some friends words, and selfishness (to name a few).
*Random note: I want to apologize for my community of believers who have had to bear with my sarcasm these past few days. God deals with me sarcastically (as a form of humorous rebuke so I don't become so hardened in my heart towards the rebuke), so I am exceptionally sassy and sarcastic in turn. Thank you for your continued patience. :)
Then, as I was driving to Onething after class, I was internally anxious/upset at having to face some harsh realities (which I know is a very good thing and I genuinely consider the process to 'hurt so good' but is a little tough to face initially), when I saw a bird and thought to myself, "If I had wings, I'd use them" (with the idea of escapism). To which God replied, "You have legs, do you use them?" And I said, "Good point. My legs carry me different places but I'm still 'here' on the same 'plane' of thinking in the same environment." To which He said, "Ah. Transcendence." And I said, "Huh?" haha "Yes, God, that's it...to be up higher, closer to where you are, to increase in knowledge and press on to the "meat" of you instead of milk that isn't giving me the nutrients I need anymore."
Some other things He brought to my attention these past few days:
"We accuse each other of being too literal. As a result, we forsake balance/healthy compromise and swing to the opposite extreme of living entirely in the metaphorical just so we can then accuse one another of not being 'clear'." (I had to laugh at this one!)
"I was convicted when I saw Todd's lily and thought to myself, 'I would be much more excited to carry around a plant that looked pretty (as opposed to my mini bush that is not able to have the glory of a plant which is its flower -as some say).' Immediately, Jesus responded, 'So if I (Jesus inside of you) was better looking or more appealing then you would be proud of me and willing to introduce me/present me to others?'" Ugh...come on, Jesus! Ok ok...I get your point.
"My recognition of my need for God is mostly dependent upon my ability to see that need - not because of a constant, deep-rooted realization of Kingdom reality."
"Fear often masquerades as safety."
"You can't give what you hold onto."
So, other than all of this ;) I've been reflecting on the relationship between Solomon and the lilies that are clothed in splendor.
Apparently the word/name "lily" means "purity and royalty." "The lily's scepter or trumpet shape makes it a symbol of royalty. Its white color indicates purity, innocence, hope, and virtue. To be "lily-like" is to be of a gentle demeanor and to love others with a pure love. To "gild a lily" is to waste time and energy trying to improve something which is already perfect.
The Lily of the Valley is one of the first flowers to bloom in the spring. Its fresh appearance after a long winter and its purity make it a symbol of both Christ and the Virgin Mary. Mary is thought to be Solomon's "lily among thorns," (Song 2:2). To both Jesus (who was the only male without sin) and Mary are attributed the words, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys" (Song 2:1). In the second century A.D., declared that the lily represents the pure life of Christ and the valley symbolizes the sinful world He overcame.
As an emblem of purity, rebirth, and eternal life, lilies were used to decorate the pillars of Solomon's temple (1 Ki 7:19, 22). This flower is associated with the Resurrection because its bulb is buried in the ground like a human corpse, and yet from this apparent death a beautiful flower arises.
Christ made the lily a symbol of what would be done for those who trust in divine providence when He said, "Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?" (Luke 12:27-28; see also Mt 6:28-29).
When Jesus is pictured holding a lily in His mouth, He is taking His place as Judge of the World. The lily in His mouth symbolizes His divine mercy and his perfect judgments. The lily was used as a symbol of perfection and beauty when God said of Israel, "I will heal their backsliding...I will be like the dew to Israel; he shall grow like the lily..." (Hosea 14:4-5). Because He is merciful, the aim of the Lord's judgments is the perfection of His people and not their destruction.
Snakes, a symbol of the devil are rumored to flee from the pure aroma of the lily. The Beloved's lips are described as "lilies, dripping liquid myrrh" because of the sweet aroma of the words of Christ (Song 5:13)."
Some interesting thoughts to consider....
Personally, I don't feel like I have any specific revelation yet. But I'm working on it :)
..and that's precisely what He did with me.
This is common in our relationship. I shouldn't have been surprised, I felt it coming.
And this is where it all began (well, I should say "manifested") 2 days ago. I sensed uneasiness in my Spirit and the first thing that popped into my head was Ed's blogs about "Do not be anxious, uneasy, etc...". And then I realized why I've been so subconsciously frustrated with not being able to identify with these blogs where my fellow plant carriers discuss their uneasiness/anxiousness...
It's not that I don't have to deal with common/outer circumstances, but rather I've discovered that there's a lot outside of my control that I've spent a lot of time trying to fix/change. This is a primary tactic of the enemy at work against me because he tries to get me to waste my energy and time with certain things I don't need to put my hands on or my words to.
So why was I so uneasy and anxious? It was because God was opening my eyes and exposing some hidden things in my heart that needed to be crucified. Deep things. Not surface things...but DEEP things. And this is where my plant came in handy. I noticed that you cannot look at the leaves/flowers,etc of a plant and determine what's "wrong" with it. You can hypothesize, sure...but these are just theories until you are able to look at what is below the ground and find out where it's roots are. So I realized that my life is very much so like this plant. I don't struggle so much with "surface" things (worry about circumstances and daily events/relationships), but rather I become uneasy with the DEEP things (the roots of who I am/not, who God is/isn't, etc). But unless I ask the Holy Spirit to come and show me what's beneath the surface, I can't fix anything or even give my consent for anything to be fixed.
It's like when your air conditioning unit (lets just say your heart) has a problem. So you hire an expert (Holy Spirit) to come and determine the problem. Don't you want to know what the problem is before you shell out x amount of dollars to get it fixed? (Don't you want to know what you're paying for?) You can't sign on the dotted line to let the expert fix it (which your "signing" is really not just saying "i agree to pay you" but also "i agree that you know more about this than I do and I trust you to fix it") until you have determined that there's a problem and you need someone's help.
Sooooo....Spirit graciously continue to allow me to see some serious flaws in my thinking processes, my perceptions of God, my unconscious judgments of others, my close-mindedness to some friends words, and selfishness (to name a few).
*Random note: I want to apologize for my community of believers who have had to bear with my sarcasm these past few days. God deals with me sarcastically (as a form of humorous rebuke so I don't become so hardened in my heart towards the rebuke), so I am exceptionally sassy and sarcastic in turn. Thank you for your continued patience. :)
Then, as I was driving to Onething after class, I was internally anxious/upset at having to face some harsh realities (which I know is a very good thing and I genuinely consider the process to 'hurt so good' but is a little tough to face initially), when I saw a bird and thought to myself, "If I had wings, I'd use them" (with the idea of escapism). To which God replied, "You have legs, do you use them?" And I said, "Good point. My legs carry me different places but I'm still 'here' on the same 'plane' of thinking in the same environment." To which He said, "Ah. Transcendence." And I said, "Huh?" haha "Yes, God, that's it...to be up higher, closer to where you are, to increase in knowledge and press on to the "meat" of you instead of milk that isn't giving me the nutrients I need anymore."
Some other things He brought to my attention these past few days:
"We accuse each other of being too literal. As a result, we forsake balance/healthy compromise and swing to the opposite extreme of living entirely in the metaphorical just so we can then accuse one another of not being 'clear'." (I had to laugh at this one!)
"I was convicted when I saw Todd's lily and thought to myself, 'I would be much more excited to carry around a plant that looked pretty (as opposed to my mini bush that is not able to have the glory of a plant which is its flower -as some say).' Immediately, Jesus responded, 'So if I (Jesus inside of you) was better looking or more appealing then you would be proud of me and willing to introduce me/present me to others?'" Ugh...come on, Jesus! Ok ok...I get your point.
"My recognition of my need for God is mostly dependent upon my ability to see that need - not because of a constant, deep-rooted realization of Kingdom reality."
"Fear often masquerades as safety."
"You can't give what you hold onto."
So, other than all of this ;) I've been reflecting on the relationship between Solomon and the lilies that are clothed in splendor.
Apparently the word/name "lily" means "purity and royalty." "The lily's scepter or trumpet shape makes it a symbol of royalty. Its white color indicates purity, innocence, hope, and virtue. To be "lily-like" is to be of a gentle demeanor and to love others with a pure love. To "gild a lily" is to waste time and energy trying to improve something which is already perfect.
The Lily of the Valley is one of the first flowers to bloom in the spring. Its fresh appearance after a long winter and its purity make it a symbol of both Christ and the Virgin Mary. Mary is thought to be Solomon's "lily among thorns," (Song 2:2). To both Jesus (who was the only male without sin) and Mary are attributed the words, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys" (Song 2:1). In the second century A.D., declared that the lily represents the pure life of Christ and the valley symbolizes the sinful world He overcame.
As an emblem of purity, rebirth, and eternal life, lilies were used to decorate the pillars of Solomon's temple (1 Ki 7:19, 22). This flower is associated with the Resurrection because its bulb is buried in the ground like a human corpse, and yet from this apparent death a beautiful flower arises.
Christ made the lily a symbol of what would be done for those who trust in divine providence when He said, "Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?" (Luke 12:27-28; see also Mt 6:28-29).
When Jesus is pictured holding a lily in His mouth, He is taking His place as Judge of the World. The lily in His mouth symbolizes His divine mercy and his perfect judgments. The lily was used as a symbol of perfection and beauty when God said of Israel, "I will heal their backsliding...I will be like the dew to Israel; he shall grow like the lily..." (Hosea 14:4-5). Because He is merciful, the aim of the Lord's judgments is the perfection of His people and not their destruction.
Snakes, a symbol of the devil are rumored to flee from the pure aroma of the lily. The Beloved's lips are described as "lilies, dripping liquid myrrh" because of the sweet aroma of the words of Christ (Song 5:13)."
Some interesting thoughts to consider....
Personally, I don't feel like I have any specific revelation yet. But I'm working on it :)
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I think if Ellie were a person, she would not be the "popular" one. She would probably not be anyone's "first choice" of a friend or even acquaintance. Her quiet, pleasant disposition often causes her to go unnoticed. So, this caused me to take inventory, if you will, of people in my life that are just "there" - the more quiet, subtle one's that don't make a fuss of things and push to have their voice heard but have volumes to say. I wonder if I gave Ellie the chance - I mean if I really sat down and intently listened and was genuinely interested in her perspective - to speak, what would she say to me?
I'm actually a little haunted by the idea and I'm often grateful that she can't speak. Because the truth is, she's with me every day, everywhere I go. She see's what some people never see - the real me, behind closed doors. I guess I should be encouraged, I mean, she's "seen it all" and hasn't left me yet (of course, then again, she doesn't have much of a choice). But if, one day by some miraculous Moses-and-the-burning-bush moment, she COULD speak to me, I fear what she might say. Would she state the facts, plain and simple, of how terribly I care for her? Or how I hardly acknowledge she exists sometimes? Or how I leave her places sometimes with no regard to how that affects her? Or that I just brush off her presence because I'm too wrapped up in what I've got going on? Or that I don't see the "importance" sometimes of her presence or thoughts or do not recognize the value of her wisdom?
I wonder...
Observing some of the people God has placed in my life right now, I have to say that I've noticed something. It's the quiet ones that often possess the most clarity, wisdom, discernment, patience, endurance, love, honesty, and power (from my perspective).
I am reminded of Cynthia Pickney - an amazing woman of God with a genuine heart for the homeless/poor/needy (and the "work" to support the "faith"). I remember when I first met her, she walked into the room with this quiet confidence that changed the entire atmosphere. As we sat in a group meeting, I became internally rather impatient with another group member that seemed to be rambling about their personal accomplishments and I remember looking at her to see her reaction. She was calm, quiet, dignified and humble. This blew me away and caused a great admiration of her to rise in my heart. It's not that she didn't recognize her voice or the authority she had to in a moment shut down the arrogant talk of the group member, she just had a quiet confidence and trust in God that He was so much bigger than the situation and that He would take care of it regardless of her involvement.
I've been "waiting" on God for a while now, and I'll tell you, so far it hasn't gotten "old". I've realized that when I recognize I am in the presence of God, I don't need to say much. In fact, I don't need to say anything at all.
Yesterday, Ed posted a blog about holding our own personal "vigil" and waiting, even unto the hours of the night when I should be sleeping.
Last night I was very tired but so hungry for the Word. I've been simultaneously reading Matthew 6 and Psalm 42 lately and I wandered to the 1st verse of Ps. 42 again late last night. "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul pants after you..."
I can't seem to get past this. I've heard this verse hundreds of times, but I realized last night that I have honestly never seen a deer "pant" after water. Sure, I've seen a deer drink from a brook, but it was more of a casual, calm, almost routine drink, not a desperate panting. Has anyone ever seen a deer "pant"? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm struggling to identify with this particular metaphor. Sure, there have been times/seasons in my life (like last night) where everything in me literally yearned after God. But like a deer? Like a really thirsty deer? So as I've meditated more on this, I've really tried to focus on the only mental picture I have of a deer drinking water. It wasn't gasping or frantically trying to drink before it died or something, but it was more like it understood that even when it wasn't in desperate need (like it had just finished running from a predator or something), it needed a drink. Maybe it wasn't even thirsty? It just knew it would need a drink to sustain itself.
"Pant" here in Hebrew means to long after, desire.
Ps 42:2 "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God..."
I think it's interesting that the deer knows exactly where to go when it "thirsts". It doesn't hope that man will walk by, consider it, and give it something to drink. It doesn't frantically search the forest or field for some little pocket of water. It's almost like it instinctively knows where a water source will be and has full confidence looking ahead that it will be able to drink deeply and satisfy itself.
So this is what my personal "vigil" has been looking like - acknowledging that God is my endless, unfailing, instinctive supply of all that I need to satisfy and acting upon this knowledge by pursuing first this "supply" (what is instinctive) instead of other "avenues" of potential supply.
I'm actually a little haunted by the idea and I'm often grateful that she can't speak. Because the truth is, she's with me every day, everywhere I go. She see's what some people never see - the real me, behind closed doors. I guess I should be encouraged, I mean, she's "seen it all" and hasn't left me yet (of course, then again, she doesn't have much of a choice). But if, one day by some miraculous Moses-and-the-burning-bush moment, she COULD speak to me, I fear what she might say. Would she state the facts, plain and simple, of how terribly I care for her? Or how I hardly acknowledge she exists sometimes? Or how I leave her places sometimes with no regard to how that affects her? Or that I just brush off her presence because I'm too wrapped up in what I've got going on? Or that I don't see the "importance" sometimes of her presence or thoughts or do not recognize the value of her wisdom?
I wonder...
Observing some of the people God has placed in my life right now, I have to say that I've noticed something. It's the quiet ones that often possess the most clarity, wisdom, discernment, patience, endurance, love, honesty, and power (from my perspective).
I am reminded of Cynthia Pickney - an amazing woman of God with a genuine heart for the homeless/poor/needy (and the "work" to support the "faith"). I remember when I first met her, she walked into the room with this quiet confidence that changed the entire atmosphere. As we sat in a group meeting, I became internally rather impatient with another group member that seemed to be rambling about their personal accomplishments and I remember looking at her to see her reaction. She was calm, quiet, dignified and humble. This blew me away and caused a great admiration of her to rise in my heart. It's not that she didn't recognize her voice or the authority she had to in a moment shut down the arrogant talk of the group member, she just had a quiet confidence and trust in God that He was so much bigger than the situation and that He would take care of it regardless of her involvement.
I've been "waiting" on God for a while now, and I'll tell you, so far it hasn't gotten "old". I've realized that when I recognize I am in the presence of God, I don't need to say much. In fact, I don't need to say anything at all.
Yesterday, Ed posted a blog about holding our own personal "vigil" and waiting, even unto the hours of the night when I should be sleeping.
Last night I was very tired but so hungry for the Word. I've been simultaneously reading Matthew 6 and Psalm 42 lately and I wandered to the 1st verse of Ps. 42 again late last night. "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul pants after you..."
I can't seem to get past this. I've heard this verse hundreds of times, but I realized last night that I have honestly never seen a deer "pant" after water. Sure, I've seen a deer drink from a brook, but it was more of a casual, calm, almost routine drink, not a desperate panting. Has anyone ever seen a deer "pant"? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm struggling to identify with this particular metaphor. Sure, there have been times/seasons in my life (like last night) where everything in me literally yearned after God. But like a deer? Like a really thirsty deer? So as I've meditated more on this, I've really tried to focus on the only mental picture I have of a deer drinking water. It wasn't gasping or frantically trying to drink before it died or something, but it was more like it understood that even when it wasn't in desperate need (like it had just finished running from a predator or something), it needed a drink. Maybe it wasn't even thirsty? It just knew it would need a drink to sustain itself.
"Pant" here in Hebrew means to long after, desire.
Ps 42:2 "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God..."
I think it's interesting that the deer knows exactly where to go when it "thirsts". It doesn't hope that man will walk by, consider it, and give it something to drink. It doesn't frantically search the forest or field for some little pocket of water. It's almost like it instinctively knows where a water source will be and has full confidence looking ahead that it will be able to drink deeply and satisfy itself.
So this is what my personal "vigil" has been looking like - acknowledging that God is my endless, unfailing, instinctive supply of all that I need to satisfy and acting upon this knowledge by pursuing first this "supply" (what is instinctive) instead of other "avenues" of potential supply.
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I love to write - and I mean the old-school way with pen on paper. I started to document my journey with Ellie (my beautiful 2ft Neanthebella Palm) in a lovely Moleskine notebook, however, I find that keeping my own personal journal AND this one is a bit more than I can chew (time-wise), so I caved and decided to keep track of Ellie & I's journey here.
I left her at home last night because I knew I wouldn't be able to spend any quality time with her while at Onething helping out with the Comedy Show (I haven't made cookies in a long time lol).
But...if I'm being perfectly honest, I've been a little careless with her lately. (She was accidentally locked up in a cold, dark office for a night last week - sorry, Ellie!) I've kind of viewed her as something I have to "endure" instead of something I have the opportunity to "enjoy."
But I've realized there's a lesson in this. One of our other plant bearers at Onething mentioned they view their plant as "one more thing" - and, honestly, I had to agree with them to an extent. After careful consideration, I realize I feel this way because I do not see Ellie as a priority (among my many other "responsibilities"). She's kind of just...there. And I kind of just deal with her because I know she has a lot to teach me, but I don't always have/make the time I would like to sit down and listen to her.
I realize that I treat Jesus this way sometimes. I see him as just always...there, because I believe that he is - through thick and thin, ups and downs. But I know that I can take advantage of that sometimes. Sometimes he's not my priority. Sometimes I get frustrated in my quiet times because my mind is "anywhere but here."
I'm going to go spend some time with Ellie...maybe she has some words of wisdom she'd like to share with me today.
I left her at home last night because I knew I wouldn't be able to spend any quality time with her while at Onething helping out with the Comedy Show (I haven't made cookies in a long time lol).
But...if I'm being perfectly honest, I've been a little careless with her lately. (She was accidentally locked up in a cold, dark office for a night last week - sorry, Ellie!) I've kind of viewed her as something I have to "endure" instead of something I have the opportunity to "enjoy."
But I've realized there's a lesson in this. One of our other plant bearers at Onething mentioned they view their plant as "one more thing" - and, honestly, I had to agree with them to an extent. After careful consideration, I realize I feel this way because I do not see Ellie as a priority (among my many other "responsibilities"). She's kind of just...there. And I kind of just deal with her because I know she has a lot to teach me, but I don't always have/make the time I would like to sit down and listen to her.
I realize that I treat Jesus this way sometimes. I see him as just always...there, because I believe that he is - through thick and thin, ups and downs. But I know that I can take advantage of that sometimes. Sometimes he's not my priority. Sometimes I get frustrated in my quiet times because my mind is "anywhere but here."
I'm going to go spend some time with Ellie...maybe she has some words of wisdom she'd like to share with me today.
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